Urban Vancouver

Today I went to my favourite supplement store to pick up a few items. This little old lady was beside me when she asked one of the clerks about Maca. I started to giggle. The clerk stated how it is good for energy, immune support, female hormone rebalancing, and sexual dysfunction.

Those who were readers of my Memoirs of Me blog may remember my Maca Me Crazy posts about the effects Maca has on me.

Well, as a reminder, I take Maca as a rebalancer just before my cycle - which means I don't take it on a regular basis, so it's effects are really noticeable. And I don't mean energetic effects here folks. I'm talking sexual randiness and a tingle in the nether regions that cannot be ignored. Seriously, it's like I'm a 16 year old boy who has just been perusing through his first Hustler magazine. I pity the fella who dates me next ;)

Anyways, back to today at the store - both the lady and the clerk notice me giggling. Now the clerk and I are actually friends, and usually flirt with each other pretty heavily. They both ask me what's so funny and I stated how the only effects I really notice is the increased sexual function. The lady leaves, and the clerk asks me to reiterate what I mean. I'm like duh, I'm super horny and insatiable. Like I masturbate 5 times a day, and wanna rub my nether regions upon whatever I can. He makes some comment about his leg and we are both laughing our asses off. Then the little old lady reappears with a big bottle of Maca in her hand.

"Is this the kind you use?" she asks.

True story.

A lot can happen in a couple of days.

I had some back to back energy work done. It opened my eyes and mind. It also may have been a little much, as yesterday I was bed-ridden riding out what I call 'energy work overload'. Too much of good thing can be draining on one's psyche and body.

I deleted a post that I wrote late Sunday evening. I felt it carried a little too much information, though it still remains on the feeds, it feels better in my mind that I deleted it.

The energy work I had done on Sunday carried much weight into what I am moving forward with concerning my life. I am not moving out of my house, but the partnership I had is done with. Something that was supposed to be 50/50 was not, and never was. Why? Because my partner was male, and for me, there has always been a power struggle with males. And I always gave them the upper hand. This is one 'contract' that my energy worker and I worked on, as it is something that has been very prevalent in my life - but not anymore. It never has worked for me, so why keep it? The only bond was familiarity and the feeling of 'owing'. This is something I've carried with me throughout this life, and many of my past lives as well. It took a lot of work on my energy worker and my part to clear that heavy, negative male presence out of my house. Now my space feels like it's mine. My space, my rules.

Funny thing is yesterday, while feeling completely drained and totally out of it, my first business partner called me out of the blue to see how things were with me. I find it interesting how when one is at a certain energy level, the light emitted is comparable to that of the same attraction of moths to a light bulb. All I can say is I'm glad I had yesterday off to rest and recharge.

Now that things have shifted in my space, I feel like I can start using my creative outlets that have seemingly been blocked for what feels like years.

Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. When you surrender and let go of the past, you allow yourself to be fully alive in the moment. Letting go of the past means that you can enjoy the dream that is happening right now.

I had an energy worker come by to do some chakra work on me and clear the negative energy out of my house. During our work together, she mentioned a strong negative male presence in the house. We worked on dissipating it, as well as having me work on breaking 'contracts' I have made with other energies throughout my lifetime, as they no longer serve their purpose like they once did.

She explained this will be difficult, as this is a huge comfort and familiarity in my life. It's pretty much how I survived. But I no longer need these in my life. I knew what she meant from an ethereal level, but not in this reality. Until about 1/2 an hour ago.

Without going into specifics, I have been in business the last 3 years with two different males. Though both differ greatly from one another, but both hold one common thread - power over me. The last business partner was much, much better than the first, but I still allowed him the upper hand - the power, so to speak. In my own house. My house. My space.

We were in negotiations today on what we are going to do come Jan. He finally got back to me after 3 days of trying to get in contact with him. I left him messages that it was important and time sensitive. Last night he finally returned my calls, and made plans to stop by today. He knew today was the last day that I could say yay or nay. He left me hanging until today, knowing full well the importance of our conversation. He had the power over that. Then I am told he will let me know his decision in a few days to a week. Ya buddy, fuck you.

I know what my decision is. It is to move forward without him. Buy me out, give me half, whatever - that can be negotiated like adults, and I will have a mediator present, as I am tired of being the one left holding the bag - which is always less than empty.

I can do what I need to do on my own, as I have the knowledge, the connections, and the tenacity to do so.

This is one 'contract' that is being broken, with many more to follow.

It feels good to be 'free'.

This is probably one of my favourite pictures of HST.
~ Buy the ticket, take the ride~

So as of late, probably because of the immense change occurring in my life, I have been questioning my creative outlets. Many many years ago, when pictures were only dark room produced, I was an active photographer. My camera broke, I never replaced it, and me, being somewhat scared of anything techy - stayed cleared of digital cameras up until late last year. Boy, shooting digital is much different, has it's pros and cons, but I am looking into purchasing a better camera because I enjoy it immensely. Maybe I'll stay with a film camera (black and whites being my favourites) and keep my Sony Sureshot as my digital.

I cannot draw to save my life, but want to delve into painting. But painting with a twist. I won't divulge the twist until I attempt it, but I think it will turn out pretty rad.

Yes, I DJ, and have been a musician for many years. I played flute for 9 years, drums for two, and trumpet for two. I've been dj'ing a little over 3 years, and while I'm fairly good, if I was more passionate about it, I would practice daily, and be a killer dj. But alas, I am a hobbyist dj and a vinyl enthusiast.

I also think my tinctures and baking are somewhat of an art, as I am ranked one of the best in the city.

I was a dancer (jazz) for almost 10 years.

But what is really, truly my creative outlet? One walk in Lynn valley, a voice, my intuition - told me that I am a writer. I've been pondering writing a book about my life as a dominatrix. Now I've had more time to think, and I want to write it like a memoir - how I got there (exotic dancer), working in the adult entrainment business for 10 years showed be the good, the bad, and the dehumanizing. I saw things that no one should see. I learned a lot of valuable lessons, that is for sure. Once I developed the character of Miss Pain, which she was a part of me for the better of 6 years. While she was an alter ego of sorts, the stories I could tell, well, I don't know. I can honestly say I've seen all and then some. I have stories to make you laugh, cry, cringe, and probably think I was bullshitting you. Sometimes I wonder how I made it out in one piece(stripping), to how I wish it (Miss Pain) had never ended. I think once I am settled in my place and job, the book is going to be started. Gonzo journalism, Miss Pain stylez.

To Bring You My Love
Originally uploaded by don-lalelthis is one of those times where I have to get his out before it's gone. And it's far too important to let blow by.

I feel so connected and in love - with myself, at this moment. I feel beautiful, sexy, alive. I am moving forward. I am ok. I have the best friends anyone could ask for.

And I'm still here. That says it all.

Remember the episode when Mr Mackey finds some hippies in the woods, takes some LSD, and his head disconnects from his body and floats around? It was an awesome episode.


Well,I haven't taken any LSD in many years, yet I feel like my head is disconnected from my body. This became very noticeable today when I went in for my orientation at my new job. Everything that could have gone wrong did. From blowing circuits in this stupid house from using my blow dryer, to my car not starting, to being told from one of the staff I was supposed to have been at work 1.5 hours earlier (sorry, I never got that memo - and in reality, it was someone else's mistake, not mine). I felt tired, run down, cold, and all the information was overwhelming. I wanted to run out of there and cry. The counsellor that hired me knew something was up with me, and even stated so. To add insult to an already injured Phaedra, I was under the impression that I was working more than I will be. I cannot apply for internal positions until after my 3 month probationary period. Guess they forgot to mention that in the interview. I will be working Friday and Saturdays only, with some consensus meeting hours on Wednesdays. Fine, I need to get my feet wet before I can swim. I know I am being hard on myself (my biggest downfall), but I feel like I let them down before I even started . Thank god I don't have clients until Saturday. By then I shall be on the road of Phaedra renewal.

But since this post nothing has changed, in fact, it has gotten worse. A lot of it I cannot talk about it here because of legal reasons. At some point I will, but not tonight. My close friends know, but many don't, so they just see me acting like some sort of freak - out of character, insecure, over-compensating, crying all the time. My close, true friends know that this is so not me, but some new people I have met, whom I've developed a connection with, I think I may have pushed away because of my out-of-the-ordinary behaviour. What can you do? Can't take it back. Shit happens.

I still have 2 more days of work on this 'project' which I will be glad when it is finally over, as it has pushed me over the edge. It has taken way longer than expected, more work than my tired body can handle, and I am done. I still also have no fucking heat. I'm just going to phone someone in and charge the property management company because this is bullshit. Almost one month with no heat and it's cold out. I am typing this with a heating pad on my lap. That alone would push most people over the edge I'm sure.

I am in a place of huge change - career, loss of friendships, moving to a new house Jan 1st (still looking) and while it should be exciting, it is proving to be overwhelming. And my damn therapist is away until Dec. 3rd.

My goal is to take the next few days after said project is complete to give myself total self care - spa treatments, energy work, yoga, gym, dinner at Boneta, and maybe a retreat somewhere. I need to reconnect to Self. I miss me. And I bet everyone else does to. That Phaedra girl is pretty freakin' awesome when she is in her own skin. This one is getting shedded as soon as I can get it off.

I believe in Karma. Whether it is accumulated throughout one's other lifetimes, or is a current type project, I feel that I am completely even with any and all assholic things I have done by mistake, or with intent. Universe, please give me a break so I can recoup, heal, and put myself back together to fight the many more challenges I have coming to me in this life. Just try not to throw more than say, or, I don't know, like 2 my way at any given time. Thank you in advance. I am now having a bath, a puff of some sweet Sativa, and going to bed.

And not tagged teamed either. MizzJ aded me to her list of bloggers for this meme. I kinda think these are fun, and get you thinking about things you may not always think about.

So here's the deal - I have to list 6 random things that make me happy and tag 5 other bloggers to do the same.

So here is my list, in no particular order.

1) Stimulating conversation.
2) Climbing into my bed with fresh, clean, 500 count sheets.
3) A really, really good glass of red wine.
4) When my cat cuddles with me.
5) Steaming hot aromatherapy bath with candles and ambient music.
6) Hugs. They rock.

5 other bloggers I tag

1) Corinna
2) Kim
3) Kali
4) Urban Dweller
5) Barbara

Exhausted
Originally uploaded by tishayAs you know I have taken some time off from blogging, which, in truth, has been killing me, as I love to write. I look forward to having my laptop back so I can type it out in the moment before it's gone.

This past week has put a huge toll on me - physically, emotionally, spiritually, and health wise. I have been living on approximately 3 hours of sleep a night, plus heavy physical work, stress, trying to look for a new place (Jan 1st) , not working out, going to yoga, or eating healthy, if eating much at all.

I weigh less than 120lbs. I wasn't even that thin when I was a meth addict. And everyone says I look good. How fucked is that?!?

The only thing, other than my wonderful, supportive friends who check in on me daily as I can tend to isolate in times of stress, is that I start my new job at the BC Compassion Society on Monday. As happy as I am about that, I am scared shitless. Sure, I graduated in the top 5% of my class, and have 160 hours of practicum time, but I am fearful of my lack of experience. I know I will be fine, it's all a process, yada,yada,yada - but I need to be gentle with myself, and for those that know me, that is my biggest downfall - being hard on myself for not being/doing things perfect. Normally I wouldn't be so concerned, but because of this last week - hell the last 6 weeks of my life, I have been over-extended, tested, run above my means, and tried to do it all with a smile on my face.

Honestly, I feel more lost now than ever. If I didn't have this job, I would be leaving on the next plane to Italy just to live their slow paced lifestyle.

I am thankful for a lot of things, please don't get me wrong. I am just so done that I can barely function. I had a breakdown after an art show at a friends place, which I so needed, and am thankful she allowed me the place to do it, but it shows just how much I am lacking in the self-care department.

I want to be connected to self again. I want things to roll off me like rain drops on a windshield. I don't want to worry about things that are out of my control. The Universe will provide, it always does.

And I want to be loved. Not only by friends and family, but a partner. Most importantly, I want to love myself unconditionally.

It is all a process, and the next few months will be about re-adjusting to a new job, home, and the shifts in me. I look forward to putting the energy I am expending into myself instead of everything and everyone else around me. I deserve it. I really, truly do.

I am crying as I type this. I feel so done. I want to curl up and have someone hold me, caress my hair, and have me fall asleep in their arms. I guess new, clean sheets and my cat will have to do.

Glad to be back. I really miss writing, even the hard, emotional stuff. I appreciate those who read what I write and take from it what they will. I am here for me, and me only. You guys are the bonus.

Namaste.

I've got a couple of big projects that will be consuming me for the next 3 or so days, as well as trying to look for a new house (in this market, what a joke, but I am sure I'll find something good for me and the kitty) so there will be no new updates for at least a few days.

I've got some good stuff to write about, so when I get back, there will be no shortage.

Oh, and I start my new job on the 24th. Yay!

Yesterday morning I went to my 20 person panel interview. I had barely slept 2 hours the night before and felt nervous and unprepared. The board members sat in a round circle. They had 15+ minutes to fire questions at me. *gulp* Some of the questions were easy to answer, others were not. I know my stuff, but it's what they are looking for that matters. Questions were flying at me from every direction (literally) and I barely had time to take a sip of water to clear my dry throat. I could tell who really liked me, and my philosophies when it came to my methods of counselling, others were very stoic, and I thought for sure they did not like my answers. Since this society is consensus run, the whole board has to be in agreement. I had to wow 20 people with my knowledge, skills, and ability to verbalize it.

After it was all done, I was told I would be called on Friday on whether or not I got the position.

I got a call yesterday evening stating that they want me on board, and even offered me to join them on a fully paid retreat this weekend to have some bonding and fun time.

Yay! I did it!

Day 90 :: hope then regret
Originally uploaded by Meredith_Farmer

This is going to be my last post for a bit. I am going to take some time away from the computer and engage in healthy, mind, body and spirit activities. I have done not much of anything for days. I'm in limbo. And it's not good for me. Not whatsoever.

This past 6 weeks has thrown a plethora of things my way. If it was one or two issues I feel like I could cope better. But unfortunately that is not the case. Since the last week of Sept. I have:

~Had a situation blow up in my face(I do take responsibility for my part) and lost a wonderful, developing friendship.

~Learned a close childhood friend had died.

~ Came home from my wonderful Italy excursion to find out I had been broken into and robbed by someone I know.

~Anniversary of my dad's passing, which also falls on Thanksgiving weekend, and was his birthday.

~ My so called best friend went crazy and pulled a show on me which I will forgive her for, but the friendship is over. I am still mourning that loss.

~ The house I am in is falling apart, and after the break-in, I need to move. The energy here is dark and icky. What my next move is uncertain. Did I mention my furnace is broken also so it is cold until someone who can fix it (tried one guy, he couldn't).

~ My car gets broken into and alot of my clothes, my glasses, contact lenses, boots from Italy, makeup - were stolen. I know it's only material stuff, but it was inconvenient nonetheless.

I don't have a job. I gave myself the Summer off after graduation, which now, in hindsight, I see was too long. Now I wait for that perfect job (I am not settling for less - in the counselling field you need a good, supportive team to work with). I haven't worked in 2 years (well, not legally anyway) and all this time on my hands is not good for me. Not whatsoever. I've never felt so lost - so in limbo, as I do now. I have been isolating, not eating or sleeping much. Not good.

I know things will change. I put it out to the Universe, and believe things will happen as they should. I am a good person, and will wait this out. I have wonderful, amazing friends who are there for me. I just need to be better at asking then hiding and thinking I'm the stronger person if I can do this on my own. It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help. I'm just not all that good at it.

I have my 20 person panel interview at the BC Compassion Society tomorrow. I'm afraid I'm gonna blow it. I need this so bad - to feel like I am contributing, helping, doing something. I hope they see the positivity that is in my soul. The love, the authentic me. I pray it shines through.

I'll be back online soon enough, I just need a break to get off my butt and do something constructive while my life challenges get sorted. Getting a painting easel and canvas will help for sure. See you all soon.

Namaste.

Will You Still Love Me in the Morning?
Originally uploaded by manfrommanila

I've been wanting to write a post like this for quite sometime. I am having an emotional day, so I feel like no better time than the present.

I have been doing a lot of personal growth work. I want to work on my shortcomings,and am finally free of the mask I have been wearing for many years. Without this mask, I am very vulnerable, and am fearful of certain things, people, and situations. It's all new to me. People have known me a long time know the deal. New people in my life don't know or realize the transformation that has and still is taking place. Situations can be quite overwhelming at times, and I do my best to handle things in an appropriate manner. The hardest things is being honest with myself - but recently I had a huge revelation, and no that I've let it out, I am unsure of what to do with it.

I have been single for 4 years. My last boyfriend dumped me the day I came home from my dad's service. Bad timing for sure, but I have forgiven him. Previous to that I think I had 2 relationships that last 6-8 months. I was mostly the type of girl that was into casual hook-ups, and dating the undateable - me who were spoken for. It was safe for me. I didn't have to commit. This was my life. I said I never wanted a life partner and for the past 4 years I haven't even dated. Booty calls yes, but even now those leave me feeling empty and wanting more - companionship, intimacy, and a best friend.

It's taken me over half of my life to admit this to myself. And truth be told, I am dating inept. I know what I don't want or will not accept. I know relationships are work, and I feel ready and have more communcation skills than the average lay person (since I am a counsellor)

I've lived in this big house by myself for 4 years. I have not had someone share my bed in over 2 years, I haven't held hands with someone or cuddled in 4 years. The human body needs this contact - it is vital for well being. Sometimes I long for it so badly that I ache. I think I would be a much more connected person if this basic need was met.

I am not a perfect person by any means, but I feel I have a lot to offer someone, I just don't know how to go about it. I know the old adage when you are not looking and least expecting it, it will happen....

There is someone that I feel energetically connected to, though we don't know each all that well. I feel like I am going to fuck it up before anything has started (I kinda already did in this current situation).

More than anything, I just want to be loved.(I am by friends and family, but in this sense I mean a partner) Since I lost my dad, I have struggled with this immensely.

I know when it's right, it'll happen. It just sucks putting things out there, being told no, or acting in am manner that is not normally you because this is a new situation, though the other party may not know that.

I've shed enough tears today to take a bath. I am going to self care myself to death tonight, as I am worth it. I am glad to finally get this out so I can have a better understanding of it, and maybe others will to.

I am also going to pick up a painting easle and canvas to try to express myself through this avenue. I think it will be good for my soul.

I was fortunate enough to get a media pass for the Vancouver Fashion Week and was able to make it down this evening. I was stoked for the Parasuco show. I got showered and dressed to thrill, or kill, depending on how you look at it.
The Parasuco models were top notch in my opinion, compared to the other shows, which the models looked nervous, uncomfortable, and walked way too fast.


The clothing line was hot , as were the models. The warehouse space was packed with beautiful people. 2 thumbs down for crappy bathroom facilitates and wine that was served in sample glasses only. So between shows I took the opportunity to head to my favourite restaurant Boneta.


Neil Ingram and staff treat me like gold. I was served various wines (and a little too much on the consumption side on my part on an empty stomach and a head full of worry).




Co-owner Mark Brand and new bartender Simon were working the bar like no tomorrow. Mad skills with big smiles and great conversation. I stayed for about an hour, and headed back to the warehouse for the Parasuco show.

The show was great, but the wine had put me in a head space that I did not want to be in. Especially in a public place solo. I ended up acting out towards someone I respect and admire, which left me feeling like a fool. And with that, all I wanted to do was rectify it. Like right now, as I felt misunderstood. Stress, wine, disappointment, and misunderstandings do not mix. Can't take it back now, I only hope this person sees past this minor incident. I have had alot on my plate this past month, and the booze exuberated it. Shit happens, and I am working on putting the stick down. No harm, no foul, no one died. Just some misunderstanding due to my impaired communcation skills.

I meet some interesting people, 2 photographers want to shoot me, and I had a great in depth life conversation with someone whom I didn't think it was possible. My girlfriend Karen who picked me up bought me roses, which was super sweet. It made me feel like a million dollars when I felt like about $2.50. Sometimes the littlest things mean the most. And more lessons learned. Lifes like that, and I like Life.

Now that I have consumed a hefty glass of Shiraz, I am calmer and in a better headspace.

I brought my car into Speedy Auto Glass today. They can't fix it until next week, but they put on an amazingly clear piece of plastic and vacuumed all the glass out of my car. I must state here that their customer service was the best I have ever encountered. So total cost will be around $375.

I went to my opticians who immediately gave me a free pair of lenses (as I drove dangerously from my house to downtown - for those who don't know, I can't see worth shit) I tried on several pair of glass and found a rocking pair which will be ready tomorrow. Total damage -$344.

I went to Sears on Robson to replenish my makeup supplies. I usually only wear eyeliner and mascara, but on occasion, like to wear shadow. Every iota of makeup, plus face cream, was ripped off. And I don't do store brands. Total damage $240.

Total today was almost $800. I am not even including my clothes that I need to replace, nor my Italian boots I may never replace. Those will come in time though, as this chick is now pretty extended in the cash department. So much so I may not be moving out of my house until Feb/Mar as I don't know if I can swing it. No sweat though. It will happen as it is supposed to.

I work tomorrow am at Priape, then I am going to pretty myself up for the Sat. edition of the Vancouver Fashion Week (I really want to see Converse and Paracuso). Having a media pass helps out a lot. Thanks Kris. Followed by drinks with a friend. A much needed relief to my slightly inconvenient pass couple of days.

Things happen for a reason, though I am unsure of this lesson. That's ok though - I have my health, friends, love and life. What more could one ask for?

Thanks alot for smashing in my passenger side window and stealing my stuff. I left work last night to head to Pop Opera for the Vancouver Fashion Week Gala.Being the responsible person that I am, I decided to leave my car parked there and catch a ride with a friend. I did leave all my clothes (including these dope shoes I picked up in Italy), all my make-up, and my prescription glasses (I wear them 75% of the time). During my whole night I had a weird feeling about my car, and my girlfriend offered to drive me back to it so I could drive it home. But I had 2 glasses of wine, and that is over my driving limit. So I left my car there. It should be noted here that last December, while parked in the same place, it got stolen. That was a whole other nightmare. The killer is I drive a beat up 86 Honda Accord. But I guess when people are desperate...

I don't have comprehensive on it because it's an old car with nothing of value in it (the stereo is unmovable). I learned the hard way not to leave anything in my car. New prescription glasses are gonna run me over $400, not to mention all the other stuff I will have to replace. I know it's all material stuff, but one again I feel violated and put out. Why? What lesson am I to learn from this?

I guess really listen to my gut instinct. I could of swung by my car and grabbed all my stuff, and still been responsible and not driven. Live and learn, I guess.

On a side note, my evening was enjoyable, connecting with a couple of girlfriends, and running into KK+, who is like a ray of sunshine. So it wasn't all bad.